She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
