so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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