Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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