I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
