I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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