maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
