I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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