don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
