im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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