Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
