Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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