I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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