I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
