Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
