I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
