WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
