I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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