I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
