You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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