Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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