6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
