i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
