everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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