New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
