just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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