never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
