I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
