The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Let's get the cat blown out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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