He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
