He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
