I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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