So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
