dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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