apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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