It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
