so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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