When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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