Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
