the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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