Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
