The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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