dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
