There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
