im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
