i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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