Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
