Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
