Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I puked a lego.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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