Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
