My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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