I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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