Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
