Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
