I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is it penis luge time yet?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
