Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
