its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
