At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
