you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
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We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
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This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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